Thursday, November 6, 2014

Whoa, you still exist?

If you're reading this, then hello you beautiful person!! 

It has been so long since I have actually read and finished a book. It has been so long since I've filmed a video or posted a blog post. It all started back in July. It was just the ending of the bout of books readathon and I was still wanting to read book after book after book. Then I wanted to read The Game of Thrones because so many people were and still are in love with it. So I started reading. I then started to get bored so I decided to read another book as well. 

I then started to read It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini. It was an okay read, but I still found myself becoming bored with it; thus, I started book 3, Alientated by Melissa Landers. Again, the book wasn't fabulous. I mean it wasn't bad but it didn't capture my attention either so I started with yet another book, My Life Next Door by Huntley Fitzpatrick and again the same problem was occurring. I became to the point where I was completely stressed and unhappy because I was reading so many books and none of them could capture even the slightly attention to want more.

After I did finally finish 3 books (I never finished GoT), I ended up going to Canada and I just was not in a book anything mood. I didn't want to read, I didn't want to blog, I didn't want to film. After Canada, I was practically thrown into school and after I started school, I have been way too busy to do anything but homework. I don't even have time to study! Even if I do have time to study, I can't study when I have too much on my mind. I'm suppose to read two 300 page books but I'm seriously too stressed and busy that I can't read them. I have no motivation to read them. 

I've also been getting really upset and depressed for the past month. I've just been so unhappy with how my life is going. I'm upset with my grades even if they are in the B range. I don't have my dogs to cheer me up because I'm going to school 35 minutes from home. I'm reallllllly bad at making friends so I have made zero friends; I've been at school for 3 months. And I feel like I've lost one of my best friends so everything lately has just sucked. 

And since I don't have friends here and I don't have my dogs and because I've been very down, I have been watching the Harry Potter films again which made me want to reread the whole series again. I have currently reread the first two books and I'm on book 3, but I stopped reading it in October because that's when the sadness started. 

So, I just wanted to write this in case anyone was wondering where I've been. I honestly miss books so freaking much. They're my happy place and I can't read when I'm stressed. That being said, I have decided to possibly take a year off from school. I just want to find out who I am because I have no clue. School isn't something I like doing. I don't like being told when I need to learn and what I need to study. I don't like being told I need to have a job to survive. Also, I have a very strong fear of death and dying. It gives me really bad anxiety, and I am constantly worrying that I'm going to die before I can do everything I want to do in life. 

I want to be able to experience every little thing that I love before I settle down. Maybe by taking this year off it will give me some insight on what I want to do as a career and what I don't want to do. I want to be able to save money and travel and see things and experience new foods. Plus, I'll be able to get a lot of reading done :D

So if you are reading this, just know that you can be whomever you want to be, you can do whatever you set your mind to. If something in your life is making you unhappy, then change it. Don't let life control you. Don't let people control your life. You control it because remember, you only live once so make it a good one. 

will smith animated GIF

Love, me. 


  1. Beautiful post Amber! I have been wondering where you've been on Youtube, Blogger, and Goodreads but I would see you Instagram photos every now and then so I knew you were alive. I wish I knew you were in Canada, it would have been nice to meet you! If you don't mind me asking what province where you in? There are so many things I want to say but I'll try and keep this short.

    It's hard to make friends once you hit Post-Secondary or so I find sometimes. I finally made friends when I went to a school about an hour and a half away from home, I missed my cats terribly but I knew it was something I needed to do. Sadly, I had to move back home and then I moved again to a different city and it's been hell. I'm away from all the friends I made and honestly I feel so lost and miserable.

    I highly recommend and think it's a great idea that your taking a year off! If I could go back in time that is something I would have done. My high school pushed university and I felt I had no choice and I ended up picking programs I didn't want to be in. I recently took the past semester off to take care of a family relative with cancer and it's given me time to read, enjoy my life and think about what I want to do with my life. A lot of my "old friends" made me feel like I was dumb/stupid for switching programs so often and told me I was picking a program that would take me far and it honestly crushed and ruined me, I realized those people weren't true friends. Breaking up with a best friend is the worst thing ever, having been through it I understand how you feel. But I've come to learn and accept that if I'm not losing friends I'm not really living. People change, and as we change our preference of the people we want to be around will change as well. If those people aren't there for you when your life is at it's worst than they don't deserve to only see you at your best. It may take time but you will make friends whenever you go back to school. I found I had to get out of my comfort zone. With moving to a city I hate I spend all my time out of the house as much as possible. I go to Chapters (Canadian bookstore) thats attached to a Starbucks, and I've had mini chats with employees at both stores that lead to me feeling like were friends. Sure we don't hangout, but at least I know when I go there, there are people I can interact with!

    Okay, I think I've made this long enough. I'm happy to see you've made this decision for yourself, it might not be easy but it's a way to truly take time for yourself and experience life. I wish you all the best and I hope to see you blogging more in the future :).

    Patty @ Bookish Wanderlove

    1. Thank you so, so, so much <3 I was on Ontario (:
      My high school also pushed university and I almost wish they would push to take at least a year off between high school and college. I also hope your relative get's better soon! I wish I lived closer to a bookstore that I could go to. The one by me closed and all the other bookstores are like 30 minutes from me D:



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